Five seconds.
My back slid down the wall as my legs turned into useless canes. My heart exploded and was crushed at the same time. The crushing sensation was like a blow to my body. I kept sucking in air but the jagged spasms of my chest wouldn’t let enough in. My eyes blurred and overflowed. My lips contorted into thin lines of down-turned anguish. I felt for the floor with a limp arm before I hit the cold tile.
My hand clenched the note, grinding it into itself. Maybe if I wrung it tight enough, it would imprison the words and stop them from becoming thoughts of the past, the future. The air escaped from me, deflating the rage, pain, denial, defeat. The crumpled ball rolled from my hand. My shoulders slumped, every muscle numb. My head lolled to my chest as my open eyes saw nothing.
The air was siphoned back in with a calmness of a world that seemed to have stopped turning. The tile was covered in patterns of grey, brown and auburn lines. The raised edges of colour overlapped, twisted and turned. The continuation of design was endless. The possibilities of randomness were innumerable. The mind’s eye could get lost in the shapes, avoiding the thoughts. Thoughts. My eyes twitched back to my hand. The paper wadded up beside it. Thoughts. Pulled up knees wrapped in cold arms trying to keep the leeching thoughts from forming a reality that was...that is. Dammit. Question not what was on the paper, know instead that the paper made me who I am today.
My hand clenched the note, grinding it into itself. Maybe if I wrung it tight enough, it would imprison the words and stop them from becoming thoughts of the past, the future. The air escaped from me, deflating the rage, pain, denial, defeat. The crumpled ball rolled from my hand. My shoulders slumped, every muscle numb. My head lolled to my chest as my open eyes saw nothing.
The air was siphoned back in with a calmness of a world that seemed to have stopped turning. The tile was covered in patterns of grey, brown and auburn lines. The raised edges of colour overlapped, twisted and turned. The continuation of design was endless. The possibilities of randomness were innumerable. The mind’s eye could get lost in the shapes, avoiding the thoughts. Thoughts. My eyes twitched back to my hand. The paper wadded up beside it. Thoughts. Pulled up knees wrapped in cold arms trying to keep the leeching thoughts from forming a reality that was...that is. Dammit. Question not what was on the paper, know instead that the paper made me who I am today.
posted by Yuk-Sem | 3:41 p.m.
5 Comments:
Although I know usually we shouldn't clarify our blogs, because they should speak for themselves, I would really appreciate if you could leave me a comment about what you think the paper is. My intent is to show that there are life changing situations and that they are all vital to a person "becoming" who they are today, regardless of specifics. As my brain sneeze mentioned...does that make sense?!?
Merci!
Yuk-Sem :)
That’s a rough five seconds! You have a skill for enabling readers to intimately share your experiences, and this blog is no exception. This time, though, it’s more physical. I found myself breathing along with you, able to know exactly what it meant that you couldn’t get enough air in. The first paragraph could contain a bit more emotion. The events could be the result of punch to the stomach – a physical blow instead of an emotional one.
As I read on, there is an obvious sense of panic in the first two paragraphs and they do make me wonder what is contained in the note that could possible cause this extreme reaction (you fainted, right?). Then, for a moment, my thoughts, like yours, are diverted. Focused on the irrelevant tiles. This sudden switch is a wonderful way to show how you tried, even for a moment, to keep the contents of the note out of your head.
I could be way off on this, but my guess is that the note is from a birth parent, sue to the references to the past and future, and to making you who you are today. Or maybe it said “I know what you did last summer” in blood!
hey there,
I enjoyed this piece. I have to admitt, I needed to read it a few times to get everything that was going on, but once I had it all I really enjoyed it. It is a lot of information and detail all at once, but that is what the piece required.
I'm still trying to figure out exactly what you just finished reading to cause you that much pain. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I know you didn't faint because you never said you blacked out and you were concious for the whole piece. The line " My head lolled to my chest as my open eyes saw nothing", explains you were concious.
I want to say that you may have had a mild heart attack, or a stroke of some sort by the image of your numb muscles. I'm sorry if I'm off, but with the numb limbs and exploding heart gives me this impression.
So, I have read the piece a few times. I even read it to my roommate and we both tried to figure out what the letter was about. It shaped who you are today which means you got the letter when you were younger. The description of the cold tile and the grey, brown and auburn colours that twist about makes me think that you’re in a hospital, or a clinic. Also, the defeat that you felt when you breathed out makes me feel like you have been fighting something for a long time. (I feel like a detective) So, I think that this may have been the results from a test: diabetes, a blood disorder or something that you are able to live with and still have children. That being said, I don’t think that they give results on a piece of paper. SO my other option was a rejection letter of some sort. Rejection from a school that you had always dreamed of attending. I am leaning more towards the medical scenario. I am a bad detective.
What a post, as well as a guessing game. Like Alana said, I am not a good detective either and had to read it at least five times and I still cannot quite put my finger on it.
You converyed your anxiety and stress in a great way and like always this post made me come right along there with you.
I am going out on a huge limb here but does it possibly have anything to do with brain trauma? Or testing positive for something. I am not sure, but I would love to know what it is. It is now stressing me out too.
Great post.
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